Fix it: Start thanking each other. “Fighting about who pays the bills, cleans, does lawn work or laundry, is more about feeling appreciated and getting credit than doing the actual task,” says Melissa Cohen, LCSW, a couples counselor in private practice in Westfield, New Jersey. It’s easy to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough if you don’t get any credit. “We see what we do but don’t always see what our partner does,” says Cohen.
To get past the “I-do-more-than-you” argument, start by creating a culture of appreciation for what your spouse does, rather than focusing on what they don’t. “Say thank you for every little thing your partner does and ask him to return the favor,” says Cohen. Then, take the time to write down everything that makes your house function—how to clean the kitchen, who’s in charge of buying gifts, remembering birthdays, getting the tires rotated on your car. Identify a lead and a support for each role so that there are no misunderstandings. “The primary person should be the person who is more particular about the job,” says Cohen. (For example, if you’re great with money and your spouse isn’t, then you should pay bills.) This will prevent micromanaging of tasks—which can only lead to more arguing.
Fix: Get connected emotionally again. How to do that? By having deep, meaningful discussions with you partner. Kinrys points to one study that found that asking and answering a series of intimate questions (think: How do you think you’re going to die? How do you view the role of mother in a household?) leads to increased intimacy. Once you’re feeling more connected, start having sex by planning sex dates—before-work quickies or lazy Sunday afternoons when the kids are at soccer practice—that happen separately from regular date nights (where you are often so tired from your date that you just go straight to sleep). And before you poo-poo the idea of planned sex as boring consider this: “When sex is on the calendar, it builds anticipation, which can actually make it more enjoyable,” says Kinrys.
Fix it: Don’t feel guilty about putting each other first. One of the most difficult parts of marriage is staying connected for the long-term. “It’s so easy to lose each other in the chaos of life,” says Cohen, who points out that many people prioritize everything else—kids, work, friends—over their relationship. “We can over-focus on work, kids, the house, and legitimize that the kids and work come first,” says Cohen. But in the end, you lose the connection with your partner.
Above all else, you and your partner must realize that without the foundation that is your union, there isn’t any of the other stuff. And without a good foundation, it will all eventually crumble. “Your relationship is what supports the kids, the work, the house, the friends, the life,” says Cohen. So dedicate sacred time for each other and again—without any digital devices to distract you. “Whether it’s an hour spent watching a favorite TV show together or a night out on the town, you can really show your commitment to each other by simply being present and available to your life partner,” says Cohen.
Source: Prevention
